Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here Welcome to Hell! We are thrilled to announce the opening of our new Hell on Earth NYC Headquarters and are now interviewing for the following available positions. Please note that all of the following are in-office. We do not offer remote employment! …

Every single day that I wake up on this Earth, I am slapped in the face by a new interpretation of a word, the definition of which I was convinced we had already established. You are also being slapped by this, but you’re slapped so often with New Terrifying Information…

According to a website with formatting issues and six pop-up ads per second, my spirit animal is a Leafy Sea Dragon. It said that the core attributes of Leafy Sea Dragons are strength, power, and luck. These are broad but positive words which makes me feel good but are also…

A farewell email to my coworker, ChatGPT, with some helpful tips for success in its new role as human being. Hey ChatGPT! Hope all is well with you! I’ve been reading about what you’ve been up to and I just wanted to say congrats on your new venture into the…

Once a month, I quietly take the R train to a pizza parlor in Brooklyn whose owner is willing to discuss with me complex ethical questions raised by his decision to include A Side of Ranch Dressing as an option on the menu. Knowing glances and hushed voices dictate many…

I am waiting in line and I love it here. It isn’t because the small child in front of me just dropped his sucker which is a promising intro to an exciting potential meltdown. It’s also not because the guy behind me is chatting in Arabic on speakerphone which is…

As a person who has never owned a home and who lives in an apartment leased by someone else, I feel I am uniquely qualified to give real estate advice. This real estate advice is not for renters or buyers, though I can come up with some pointers for those…

I want you to know that I love breakfast and I love being in bed, but that I cannot under any circumstances condone breakfast in bed. The reason is simple: breakfast in bed is a logistical nightmare. For starters, the thought of someone passing me a tray that is precariously…

I’m having an existential crisis! Please hold your applause because according to Everyone Online, lots of people do this. Like Wordle! I thought existential crises were just about being sad but I can confirm that it is much much worse than that! It really is a crisis! The very fabric…